I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
