Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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