Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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