im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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