just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
