ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
