Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The Olympian is in my bed
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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