I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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