I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
