i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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