I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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