Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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