Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
