one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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