Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
