Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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