I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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