Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
