i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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