On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
