Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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