this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
