Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
