it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
