Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
