Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
