I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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