I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
