could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
