I can text with my tongue
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
