You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
