Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
