I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
