You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
