literally had 100 drinks last night.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
