the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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