you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
