did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Someone shit on the floor
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
