She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
