So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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