mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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