I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
