you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
