In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
