i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
