wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
