sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
