I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
