So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
