i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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