The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
