Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
