Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
