I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
