If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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